i had a bit of a moment this weekend just gone, one of those moments when something small happens and suddenly the flood gates open and you realise how everything is just WRONG, and its nothing to do with the small thing that just happened.
i’ll get to the ‘stuff thats wrong’ in a second, but let me dwell briefly on the precipitating moment. of course, its knitting related. i was packing up my stuff to come to perth (which is where i am now), and that meant deciding what knitting to take. i was nearly finished the first of the unst socks that ive been working on for ages in the spud & chloe fine that i got in new york. i love love love that yarn. it was looking really good as an unst. i decided i would start the second sock while travelling, so i dug out the finished ‘evening stocking for a young lady part one’ that it had been originally been made into, which had turned out too short (dont ask). i unpicked the cast off and that was a bit tricky but i managed it, and then i set about unravelling it, but it wouldnt unravel neatly, it kept getting caught, and so i had to twist and tweak it through a knot every few stitches, and that really wasnt meant to happen, so i thought maybe it was the funny little rib at the top, so i cut that section off. yes yes i took scissors to my knitting, something i swore i would never do, but i had heaps of yarn (theyre very generous skeins) and i thought that would get me past the tricky bit, and you can probably tell by now i was getting pretty stressed, and of course, it didnt get better, it just got worse and the more i tried the more tangled it got. by that point id pretty well lost it, pulled the needle out of the unst as well, shoved the whole thing into a plastic bag and promptly burst into tears.
i cried for quite some time, indicating something other than a failed pair of socks was amiss. ive been so busy i was only partially conscious of something not feeling right, emotionally speaking, and then i realised that it was being so busy that was the problem. my life has become quite seriously unbalanced, on a few different levels. ive always struggled with balance, and when my intellectual life is at the froreground pretty much everything else suffers. and work has been stressful. i like what im doing but the expectations are extremely high. if i get this project right seriously good things can happen. im not particularly career driven but the implications for the rest of my life are signficant, eg, large promotion, lots more money, lots more life options. it occurred to me on saturday night just how much stress id been putting on myself to perform, and how that meant neglecting other things, like my physical and emotional health.
and that has been exacerbated by being away. perhaps people are envious of me having to travel for work, and i have done some fun things this year, but travelling for work is not travelling for pleasure. firstly, when im away im working. and its harder because im working with other people, people i dont know. thats hard work for me. and its hard because im on my own. i dont mind the solitude, but theres been a lot of that this year, and theres a difference between being alone and being lonely. im ok with the first. but ive let the second get the better of me. im out of my usual routine, im having to eat out a lot, and ive been sick from too many airplanes and too much air conditioning. and because of all the travelling, ive missed a few knitting gatherings, and i feel isolated and cut off from people.
maybe writing about that will help. i feel a bit better today. perth is proving interesting, the campus at edith cowan uni where i was today truly stunning,
and the people extremely helpful and interested in my project. i got to take a little walk along the river this evening
and im going down to ‘calico and ivy‘ and freemantle on wednesday on my day off. i just have to get through another day of meetings tomorrow. i keep telling myself one more day and then this phase of the project is over, and i can be at home for the rest of the year and get back my equilibrium.
and see my knitter peeps! i miss you all.