letting go

its a very sad day here in my little old room. ive made a decision (that may or may not be permanent) but i think its the right one for now. its also one of the hardest decisions ive ever made. im a bit upset, so i might get soppy. sorry about that!

when trent and i split up, nearly two years ago, in some ways the hardest part was the dogs. neither of us wanted to separate them, neither of us wanted to stop doing our dog sports with them. when trent moved into my little house a few months later, and we started on this crazy journey of living together as friends, it was just wonderful to have the dogs together again. we were able to keep doing our dog sports and weekend aways as though nothing had changed.

but of course it had. ive been hanging on to this part of our life together because i cant bear the thought of thinking that everything is different. ive said it before, its no coincidence i studied history, and the weight of the past, of all of my pasts, bears heavily on my present. but sometimes, that burden is just too much. when we go away for flyball weekends together, its exactly the same as it ever was. he drives, i knit. i pass him his bacon and egg mcmuffin. he plays too much van morrison on the mp3. we argue about directions.  then we get to flyball and he runs off to be with his friends, or judge, or whatever other important thing he does, and i play with my dog and talk to the team, but my hearts not in it. i realise how it looks the same, but it isnt the same. then we come home, and we are not a couple, and i am meant to put all my feelings, all my memories, away somewhere. lock them up like a boggart, waiting to terrorise me the next time we go to flyball.

so, im not going to flyball anymore (well not as much anyway, just for team emergencies). if we arent a couple anymore, then we should do less couple-like things. i make this sound so simple, but really its not. its so very very hard, and i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. ricco and i watched him drive off just now with possum and jem, and i hate thinking that flyball has won somehow, that its taken them away from me.

that after all these years, all the terrible hurtful things that people have done to us at flyball have somehow got the better of us. but its not about that. its a miracle that we lasted as long as we did, and it makes me so proud to think that trent has hung in there despite all the crap, and that no one knows what thats been like for him, for us. its hard to think that other flyballers will think ive quit, that i couldnt hack it, running my own dog. but they will never know how hard it is for me to let someone else have the joy of running her, for her sake, not to satisfy my own pride and selfishness. i feel like im letting possum down, letting people down, but at the end of the day the only person who can look after me is me. i will miss my team, who are some of the nicest people ive ever been around in flyball, but i wont miss a lot of the other angst flyball has caused me.

i am home alone now for four days, and i have my friends, and i have ricco with me

but i cant pretend im happy. i know ill be ok, but its so hard, this letting go.

k xx

About DrK

researcher, knitter, dog lover View all posts by DrK

20 responses to “letting go

  • 2paw

    Lucky Possum to have such a wonderful human companion. I feel so sad for you, but then I see Ricco looking at you, and I think of Possum running as fast as she can and loving every minute and I know you have done the best, and hardest, thing. Peri and Gilly send you big silly smiles and happy tail wags.

  • Bells

    it is a sad day. Every line of this post says that. You’re so heavy hearted and full of loss and sadness.

    I don’t think anyone but you and Trent really know what it’s like to go through this. Your friends who love you stand by and watch and hope for the best and offer support but you’re right. Only you can really take care of what you most need and want and the rest of us are here to offer whatever we can.

  • shellauw

    Tears and hugs. I’ll share them with you. It is difficult, but you are so strong. And you still have a puppy for comfort.

    Really wishing I was there right about now…

  • RoseRed

    Obviously a really tough decision for you lovey, but it sounds like the right one (despite the pain). Don’t worry what others think, it’s only what you think that really matters. And the dogs still love you, that much is obvious. And me too xx

  • Tia

    Lots of hugs comin’ your way.

  • missfee

    What a hard awful thing to go through – but I am sure you have made the right decision for you.


  • Jess

    *hugs* I’m dealing with the aftermath of a breakup at the moment, I know how mental it makes you feel. Best of luck at finding a way to cope 🙂

    • drkknits

      thanks jess. someone told me it takes half as long as the relationship lasted to get over it, so at this rate ive only got another 5 and a half years of mental to look forward to!

  • red

    Hugs and positive thoughts! xx

  • sue

    I think it is fantastic that you and Trent are still flatmates and friends, but I think you have made the right decision. Time to move on with things even though it may be hard, at least you have taken the first step. You might need to find another thing to do with your gorgeous dog you both enjoy doing together. I agree, dont worry about what other people may ASSUME, they are not living in the moment are they. I always say never say anything because your not living in it, just observing from the outside because it is a totally different perspective and you never know all the facts! I hope you feel much happier soon and not so sad.

  • 1funkyknitwit

    I think your a very brave strong woman !

    It takes a certain kind of person and heart to be able to put feelings and past history aside to live with an ex, personally I don’t think I could. You and Trent are lucky that you can still be friends, in theory this sounds great in reality a lot of us couldn’t do it.

    xxoo thinking of you and hope this passes quickly for you 🙂

  • jp

    I have a theory the difficult decisions are usually the right ones. I admire your strength and send you hugs. You are doing great.

    And the dogs and knitters still love you.

  • Donna

    You’re very brave, and I’m proud of you. x

  • probablyjane

    A very sad but brave decision. Sending positive thoughts from far away.

  • LynS

    I’m not sure what to say…Independence, which can often mean being alone, is challenging. But it can also be rewarding. This break will give you opportunities to do new and different things, and have people think about you in new and different ways. This can be very rewarding.

  • donna lee

    When you and trent became housemates, I didn’t know how you would cope. I know I couldn’t do that. I couldn’t handle the emotions that would engender. I’ve been in that in-between-breakup place and it’s so very hard. I think that you’re making the right decision for you. And what a good friend to possum to let her run with someone else. I admire you.

  • drkknits

    Oh! So many wonderful comments, thank you all so much. I feel very cared for. Yesterday was hard but today feels better. And I feel a little bit like Scarlet Ohara saying that. But you know what I mean xx

  • Leonie

    Hugs and best wishes for the strength to get through and keep going. You obviously have friends who love you and are there for you and that is wonderful. Best of luck to both you and Trent to be able to make this new step work for you both.

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