its a very sad day here in my little old room. ive made a decision (that may or may not be permanent) but i think its the right one for now. its also one of the hardest decisions ive ever made. im a bit upset, so i might get soppy. sorry about that!
when trent and i split up, nearly two years ago, in some ways the hardest part was the dogs. neither of us wanted to separate them, neither of us wanted to stop doing our dog sports with them. when trent moved into my little house a few months later, and we started on this crazy journey of living together as friends, it was just wonderful to have the dogs together again. we were able to keep doing our dog sports and weekend aways as though nothing had changed.
but of course it had. ive been hanging on to this part of our life together because i cant bear the thought of thinking that everything is different. ive said it before, its no coincidence i studied history, and the weight of the past, of all of my pasts, bears heavily on my present. but sometimes, that burden is just too much. when we go away for flyball weekends together, its exactly the same as it ever was. he drives, i knit. i pass him his bacon and egg mcmuffin. he plays too much van morrison on the mp3. we argue about directions. then we get to flyball and he runs off to be with his friends, or judge, or whatever other important thing he does, and i play with my dog and talk to the team, but my hearts not in it. i realise how it looks the same, but it isnt the same. then we come home, and we are not a couple, and i am meant to put all my feelings, all my memories, away somewhere. lock them up like a boggart, waiting to terrorise me the next time we go to flyball.
so, im not going to flyball anymore (well not as much anyway, just for team emergencies). if we arent a couple anymore, then we should do less couple-like things. i make this sound so simple, but really its not. its so very very hard, and i feel like my heart is breaking all over again. ricco and i watched him drive off just now with possum and jem, and i hate thinking that flyball has won somehow, that its taken them away from me.
that after all these years, all the terrible hurtful things that people have done to us at flyball have somehow got the better of us. but its not about that. its a miracle that we lasted as long as we did, and it makes me so proud to think that trent has hung in there despite all the crap, and that no one knows what thats been like for him, for us. its hard to think that other flyballers will think ive quit, that i couldnt hack it, running my own dog. but they will never know how hard it is for me to let someone else have the joy of running her, for her sake, not to satisfy my own pride and selfishness. i feel like im letting possum down, letting people down, but at the end of the day the only person who can look after me is me. i will miss my team, who are some of the nicest people ive ever been around in flyball, but i wont miss a lot of the other angst flyball has caused me.
i am home alone now for four days, and i have my friends, and i have ricco with me
but i cant pretend im happy. i know ill be ok, but its so hard, this letting go.