once upon a time, a psychologist type person told me that i was ‘a head on a stick’. in other words, i was somewhat disconnected from my feeling self, which resided in my mythical body somewhere.
well, little micheal man, not today, i am not. lately i have just been one big blob of feeling. its horrifying to me, not just because its feelings (and i say this despite the fact that my myers-briggs type is INFJ) but because i cant control them. i have lots of stuff going on around me thats making me sad, but nothing that i have not been able to talk myself around from before. apparently, that might be part of the problem. because you can only push things down for so long, and they have a way of boiling over, or sneaking up and biting you on the arse. bad.
i am usually really good at talking myself around from sad or dark spaces by reminding myself how much i have to be grateful for, and i really do have an awful lot. i know that everyday. i see it all around me. but sometimes its not enough. i dont want to be one of those whingy types, but i think its important too to talk about life when its hard and frustrating and painful. we all have dark days, all have struggles and difficulties, and i am no more or less than anyone else in that regard. sometimes my tendency to be grateful can mean that i dont let myself feel sad or sorry or self pity, and those are all important parts of emotional well being.
at any rate, i went to see my dr again this morning. i feel like i am turning into an old person before my eyes. i had a list of things to talk to him about. a sore foot = metatarsalgia ( remedy = new running shoes, seeing an exercise physiologist, no running and Voltaren). skin thing = blood test plus continued hormone related treatment. sad thing = referral. sigh.
but still, i am grateful. i am alive. i am no longer part of an abusive family. ive reconciled with my sister. its been 16 years since i knocked myself out with mind or mood altering substances. i have a job, a house, my puppies. i am surrounded by love and compassion, and if i need a reminder of that, i got one yesterday. apart from hanging out with some of my favourite people, eating lots of yummy food, and knitting heaps, i got a belated birthday present from my wonderful friend georgina. it was a quilt.
so much work, and attention to detail,
with love in every stitch, she said. i can feel it too, and it makes me cry. sad and happy tears at the same time. sad and happy, just like life.