a bit like treading water

things have been a bit slow around here, and i dont have anything particularly startling to show or tell. its a bit like the seasons too, an in between time, waiting for something to happen. winter is approaching in a slow creep here on the coast, little snippets here and there. the lawn has stopped growing quite as fast. the winter doona came out last night and it was still a bit warm. the heater is on at night but can still get away with a tshirt by day. just. and the magnolia is in transition as well:

its clinging on to its last remaining leaves while buds are appearing, but it will be a while before the flowers emerge. the knitting is at an in-between stage as well. the polwarth/silk featherweight is moving along:

i nearly have enough body length before i start the rib at the bottom and i am still on the first hank. its so lovely and soft, i am anxious to start wearing this soon so am finding it hard to work on anything else. but i really need to get both of these socks finished:

that is the second of the stripey one and if i just spent a day on it i could probably knock it over and send them off to brisvegas, but im finding with socks, i tend to knit pretty tight and pinching the tiny needles is sending ribbons of pain down my arm, so i have eased off a bit. the brown ones are still only at sock one and its making a lovely soft warm sock for someone who really needs a new pair, but good lord, the pattern is soooo boring! its just a 10 row repeat of alternating purls to make the diamonds but it still needs to be checked each row to make sure im doing the right combination and im bored bored bored. but its crazy to just chuck aside a perfectly good pair of socks because youre bored, isnt it? i should just bite the bullet and get them done. then i would be free to start something from the personal sock club!

the treading water feeling though is singularly connected to The Arm. its three weeks now since the accident, and i grow weary and impatient. i dont like to whinge, and i dont like people who whinge about illness or injury. when i was a kid i wasnt really allowed to be sick or injured, nothing serious ever happened to me anyway, and if it had been serious mum would have made out like it wasnt. so i have not been the best patient. at times the pain was overwhelming and i just cried from the endlessness of it. but mostly its the frustration of lost mobility, of not being able to just reach out and grab something, to have to think about what im doing, compensate for everything. i cant turn a door handle, or open a jar, or really yet do my hair the way i want. i cant lean over to clean the bath, i cant rumble with the dogs. so all of this means asking for help, and i am just not good at it. i want to be helped, i want someone to care for me, and then i get the shits when they do. so it hasnt always been a happy household the last few weeks.

but at the same time, im doing pretty good. firstly, its just an arm. its not that serious, it will get better, and i am lucky thats all it was. i went back to work this week, just a couple of days, and took a pillow to lean on my desk. i had another xray because the wrist was so sore but there is no fracture there, just a lot of bruising and swelling, and that is almost all gone now. the pain has retreated just to around the elbow joint itself, and is a dull ache, reminding me not to stretch or reach or grab. i am still tired, i dont quite understand why an elbow injury is so exhausting, but i am feeling mentally a lot better. i went to visit rosered and connor yesterday, and that helped, and today i am planning some slow cooking in the form of a ‘daube of beef’ in the oven and my first ever sticky date pudding.

and maybe i should be glad for an enforced slow down. treading water is a good way to just stop sometimes, figure out what’s really important, get ready for the next big rush, and take time to smell the magnolias. well, not literally, but you know what i mean!

k xx

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About DrK

researcher, knitter, dog lover View all posts by DrK

14 responses to “a bit like treading water

  • bellsknits

    god that featherweight is going to be amazing. It bears repeating – both the knitting and the saying!

    yes slowing down is good. I look at depression the same way. It makes me bow out of stuff, take stock and just hang. So glad you’re seeing the shinier side of your injury, well a bit shinier anyway. Not a whole lot of shine, but a little.

    ps just finish the damn socks – as much as your arm permits.

  • M-H

    I think we all underestimate the energy that the body needs to heal from injuries. Elbows are really difficult, so I’m told by Dr Sandra! Take care of yourself. Massage might be helpful – it will make the rest of you feel better, in any case, and raise your whole body’s ability to deal with that jolly thing stuck on your arm..

    I’m not sure if you read Kate Davies blog Needled: http://needled.wordpress.com/ She is a young academic in Edinburgh who is also recovering from an injury – much more serious than yours, but she’s grappling with the same issues, I think.

  • Ailsa

    My mother was the same. I don’t know how to behave when I get sick. Luckily it doesnt’ happen much.

  • justthreadtwiddling

    At least you are healing. It was at this point the physical therapy started getting more not less painful and I required surgery. We start physical therapy very soon after these injuries and have very good results. It still took quite a while before I could pick up my water glass or anything heavier than the remote with my left hand. Still sending good thoughts and feelings your way

  • Rose Red

    I didn’t really get a good look at your FW yesterday, but almost up to the rib – that’s tops!!

    I know what you mean about the frustration of not being able to do stuff because of illness/injury – but fortunately for me I am very good at lounging around and letting people do stuff for me!! heh! Perhaps a bit too good at it, really (ie I am just lazy!)

    But you’ll be better soon, and the magnolia will flower and the socks will be finished, and it will be all good!

  • sue

    I hope your arm feels better soon. It must be so frustrating sometimes for you and yes I feel like I shouldnt complain about things either when I feel unwell but it is our blog and sometimes it is good to write it all down and let it all out. I am sure very soon your elbow will just feel better and you will be able to do things again. At least not being able to do them makes us realise how much we value being able to the do the simple things.

  • Anna

    I’m glad to hear that you’re healing, albeit frustratingly slowly!! And I’m very impressed that your knitting productivity is still blowing mine completely out of the water, even though you’re nowhere near as able as you’d normally expect to be!

    And while it’s nice to have people do things for you, it can be quite demoralising to be completely dependent. Thankfully for you it will be temporary, even though I’m sure it doesn’t feel that way right now! xx

  • Annie

    I know how you feel and I only have a very bad head cold virus, can’t shake it either. Take it easy on the sock knitting if it causes pain, then when you can just get stuck right into them and get them done, you will feel so much better when they are finished.

  • some knitting gal

    From what I can read, sounds to me like you have been a right pain in the but for anybody trying to look after you. Oh well all they can do is their best.

  • Leonie

    It’s not the elbow injury that’s making you tired, it’s the pain. It’s amazing how tired constant pain makes you. Good on you for having multiple options for the knitting so you can chop and change when required.

  • LynS

    ‘In-between’ times are also good times for taking stock. We can get so caught up in our everyday repetition that having to do things differently jolts us out of our unthinking acceptance. Nevertheless, I do hope your elbow continues to get better so that you don’t feel so hampered by it.

  • 2paw

    Your cardi looks so warm and cuddly, I am glad you can still knit something.
    Being ill is a pain!!! I try not to focus but it does pervade your whole life. Still I always think there are people worse off than me too. I have days when I do feel sad and I just potter about, but that’s OK. Recuperation is a difficult thing, before you know it your arm will be as good as new!!

  • donna lee

    I wasn’t ‘allowed to be sick’ much either as a kid (my mom sent me to school the day I ended up having emergency surgery to have my appendix removed) so when I dislocated my ankle and was in a cast on crutches, I was cranky. I hate asking for help. I’m the helper not the helpee.

    I understand your frustration completely.

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